One thing about eating disorders is that it lies to you. It tells you things that simply aren’t true. It is something that controls you completely. It makes the simplest of things feel like the most difficult thing ever.
The deeper and deeper I got into my eating disorder, the less and less I sat with my family at the dinner table. It’s something that I didn’t even notice happening at first.
When I did sit with my family for dinner, I was eating my own food because every calorie that I put into my body had to be accounted for. I remember feeling so anxious and uncomfortable when I did sit at the table with everyone else. I tried to make up excuses for not eating the dinner my parents made. They even made foods that I
Despite the terrible guilt I had, my eating disorder was stronger than me. I tried to convince myself that what I was doing was “normal” and that I was just trying to eat “healthier” but all I was doing was fooling myself.
2. Go out with my friends.
Going out with anyone scared me to death. My mind would spiral out of control. I wanted to but I couldn’t. What if they wanted to go out and eat? This terrified me.
Not only that but my eating disorder made it impossible to enjoy going out. I was preoccupied 24/7 with thoughts of food. I would count down the seconds that I would be able to go home and eat. Because I was so obsessed with eating “healthy” and knowing my calories, I was only “allowed” to eat at home.
3. Drink a latte.
Sounds like a weird thing to mention? This is one thing that I enjoyed that I was no longer able to do. Seems so simple right? Just a cup of coffee. That’s what I always tried to tell myself. “Too many calories” is what I told myself. “The whole drink is just a cup of milk”. I used to think that, that was a logical thing to say. Sounds crazy now right?
This shows how eating disorders aren’t just about food.
Although my eating disorder wasn’t the sole reason for this, it most definitely made it worse. My anxiety has always made getting a job an impossible thing to do. My eating disorder only made that a million times more impossible. Eating disorder thoughts make doing anything a million times harder than it should be. You are consumed by irrational thoughts that make you feel unable to do anything else, no matter how hard you want to. Your preoccupation with food makes it exhausting to think about anything else.
5. Eat when hungry.
Eating when hungry sounds like such a simple thing to do. It’s impossible when you no longer understand your body. I’d become so obsessed with eating specific amounts of specific foods at specific times that I lost my sense of hunger or fullness. It was something foreign to me. No matter how hungry I was, I wouldn’t allow myself to eat until the “right” time.