A year ago my recovery journey began. A year ago was also the weakest I’d ever been. The most unhealthy that I’d ever been and one of the most unhappy people I’d ever been. A year ago was the moment that I realized.
Almost a year ago was also my senior prom. It’s an occasion that most would be over the moon excited for. I remember trying so damn to be happy, trying to be excited about such a momentous occasion. All my friends were so why couldn’t I be?
Instead, I was afraid, anxious and terrified the whole entire time. When I look back at pictures from that day, all I see is sadness. All I see now is a forced smile. Everyone around me was just so damn excited and I felt so broken at the fact that I didn’t feel the same.
I remember putting on my prom dress and absolutely hating how I looked. It’s weird because before this I always saw myself as that “fat girl” but at that moment I only saw someone who was struggling and broken inside. My eating disorder had controlled me to the point that I no longer recognized myself. I critiqued every single inch of my body. I hated how my arms looked like twigs, how my chest bones were protruding, and how I no longer had the chest that I once had. I absolutely despised how I look. I was disgusted at the way I looked.
It’s crazy how much my eating disorder had blindsided me. I think that day was the day that I finally realized how badly I had to choose recovery. I no longer wanted to be trapped in a place where I was supposed to feel myself, a place where I was supposed to feel safe. A body that was supposed to be mine.