Am I Ready To Let Go?

I’m nearing the one year mark of my recovery which also means that I’m nearing the end of my time at the ed program.

So where am I now?

That’s a difficult question to answer, but also one that I’ve been asking myself for a really long time.

Part of me feels ready and maybe even excited to set out into the world on my own again. In fact, that part of me feels ready to leave now and embark on that journey now. I’ve contemplated a lot throughout the last few months if I should leave early.

But part of me feels completely petrified at the idea of leaving. The truth is that recovery is a bitch and it makes you feel like you’ve taken a million steps backwards at times. And at those times, you feel like giving up and falling back into old habits. There is still so much I know that I have to work on. I think that’s one of my biggest fears. The fear of giving into my ed once again. Falling back into old habits is such an easy thing to do when you feel like you have nowhere to go. It was so easy for me to fall into it previously, so what makes this time any different?

What I have to remember now.

I’m not alone.

This is something that I always forget. As an introvert, it’s so easy to feel like an outsider to everything. I have my family and I have my friends. I even have my dog in fact! One thing that I’ve learned on this journey that I always tell other is that you’re never ever alone.

Recovery has no end.

The truth is that you are never “recovered”. As someone who makes daily to-do lists, the idea of not having an “end” or a “goal” was terrifying. It was so hard to not let this put me down. In the beginning, I found it unmotivating. But as I’ve progressed through my journey, I’ve come to use it as a tool. There is so much room to grow, to flourish, and to even make those inevitable mistakes.

This time is different.

Because it was so “easy” to create those destructive habits and thoughts, it’s difficult to not think about the idea of them coming back again. While I know that anything can happen, I also know that this time is different. Compared to myself a year ago, I feel that I am a totally different person. I’ve learned and experience so much the past year that it’s not accurate to say that it’ll be the same as last time.

This is just another milestone of my recovery. Whether or not it goes well, it’s still a step in the right direction. By being able to leave my ed program, I’ve proven to myself that I’m stronger than my disorder. A year ago I didn’t even think that recovery was an option for me, now fast forward a year I’m making those impossible changes.

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

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