You will feel on top of the world.
There are days that you will feel on top of the world. Be proud of yourself and the progress that you have made. On these days you look at yourself in the mirror and no longer feel ashamed of the person you are. Despite the changes, you see your body and feel empowered by the changes that you have made. On these days you feel like you can accomplish anything. You remember that this is the better version of yourself that you have fought so hard for.
You will feel completely defeated.
You will have days that you feel completely defeated. Your mind is racing and you can’t seem to focus on anything but your out of control thoughts. All you may see right now is the body that you tried so hard to get away from. Days like this make you wonder if all the progress was all just defeat. You wonder if this is just you surrendering and giving up.
You will have those days where you will look at yourself in the mirror and critique every inch of it. You will look at the changes to your body and feel the urge to act upon your old behaviours again. And as odd as it may sound, you miss the comfort of your old habits. Your eating disorder was something that you’d grown too used to.
A quick reminder.
But it’s also days like this that should remind you of how far you have truly come. Remind yourself that the body that you so desperately wanted to be in was the body that made you sick. You weren’t living back then, but you are now.
I remember not being able to leave the house out of fear that I would be forced to eat. I remember feeling the need to spend obsessive hours at the gym. I remember all those family dinners that I missed.
The truth is that recovery is an around the clock job. It will exhaust you but don’t give up. Remember that recovery isn’t a straight path. Nothing really is. It has its ups and downs. You will have days where you feel on top of the world, but also days where you won’t.
What I try to do is to think back to the beginning when I’m ever feeling down. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come. The fact that you are here facing the difficulties and frustrations of recovery is a big step in the right direction. As cheesy as it may sound, challenges do make you stronger. And as weird as it may sound to some, I thank my eating disorder for making me the person that I am today. You will come out of this stronger than you ever were.
Remember to be proud of yourself for taking back your life and choosing to live it!