You will feel on top of the world.
The reality of eating disorder recovery is that you will feel on top of the world. You will feel so proud of yourself and proud of the progress you made. On these days you look at yourself in the mirror and no longer feel ashamed of the person you are. Despite the weight gain, you see your body and feel empowered. On these days you feel like you can accomplish anything. You remember that this is the better version of yourself.
You will feel completely defeated.
The reality of an eating disorder is that you will have days that you feel completely defeated. Days that make you wonder if all the progress was just defeat.
You will have those days where you will look at yourself in the mirror and critique every inch of it. You will look at your weight gain and feel the urge to restrict and spend hours in the gym again.
Today is one of those days. My mind and thoughts are racing. All I see right now is a body that I hate. It’s a body that I once tried so hard to get rid of.
A quick reminder.
But it’s also days like this that remind me of how far I’ve truly come. I remind myself that the body that I so desperately wanted was the body that made me sick. I wasn’t living back then, but I am now.
I remember not being able to leave the house out of fear that I would be forced to eat. I remember having to spend obsessive hours at the gym. I remember all those family dinners that I missed.
Recovery will feel like a full-time job. It will exhaust you but don’t give up. Remember that recovery isn’t a straight path. Nothing really is. You will have days where you feel on top of the world, but also days where you won’t.
Think back to the beginning. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come. The fact that you are facing the difficulties and frustrations is a big step in the right direction. You will come out of this stronger than you ever were.
Be proud of yourself for taking back your life and choosing to live it!